Putting the Pieces Back Together
by Cazzie
Summary: Post 'The Telling' - Sydney's return. SV. Season 3 free.
1. Sydney

Putting the Pieces Back Together  
  
Synopsis: Post 'The Telling' - Sydney's return. S/V Spoilers: Season 3 free, except for the name of Vaughn's wife but come on, who doesn't know that? Disclaimer: Not mine. Not the lyrics, not the characters, not the show. Warning: Pretentious drivel alert. I've never posted Alias fanfiction before and I'm very nervous. Please review and tell me if you like it or not, even if it's just a quick note to say you read it at all! I apologise in advance for any spelling, grammatical or just plain stupid mistakes.  
  
I already posted this on SD-1 but so far have no replies. Clearly I must be a masochist to open myself up to such rejection again but what can I say? There are more chapters written so if you want me to continue please let me know.  
  
Chapter One  
  
'Cause I've been treated so wrong I've been treated so long As if I'm becoming untouchable  
- Natalie Merchant 'My Skin'  
  
You've had your life pulled out from under you before, most notably when you returned home to discover that your dreams of the future were lying dead in a bathtub, but this. This was worse. This time not only had they pulled your life from under you, they had then used it to beat you round the head repeatedly. You were barely holding it together before, when you had discovered the truth about Francie and had seen Will, oh god Will, lying there just like Danny had been. All you had been able to think was to go to Vaughn, he was your rock, he would support you and help you and he would make everything better.  
  
But he didn't. He made it so much worse. And now all you can do is hide in the corner and cry. You know he must be watching you, but in what way? A few minutes before you would have been certain it would have been love and concern. Now it might just be pity, or exasperation, waiting for you to pull yourself together so he can return home to his wife. His wife. He's married. You love him so much it hurts and he's married. The unfairness of this threatens to rip you apart. You have only loved one other person the way you loved Vaughn, and he died. At the time you thought you would never be able to love anyone ever again, but Vaughn proved you wrong. What you felt for him was so strong, so real. Your dream of a future had a new face, but once again it had been cruelly torn from your grasp.  
  
And now you had nothing. After Danny's death you had a purpose, to take down SD-6 and make Sloane pay for what he had done. Now all you're left with is broken pieces of your old life. Two years gone, friends and family have moved on without you. Everything has changed, there is nothing you can be certain of any more, nothing you can rely on. You're just lost without direction or purpose, thrown back into a world that has continued without you. Unwelcome and unwanted. That's all you will be now.  
  
You're still in the corner. Still crying. Thinking about how much pain love has caused you. At one point you believed it to be the most powerful and important emotion there was. But now you know better. Nothing, not even love, can hope to compare to the awesome power of hate. But maybe this wasn't such a great tragedy. After all, the only thing that love brought you was pain. You had loved your mother so much that the discovery of her betrayal tore a hole in your heart you weren't sure would ever heal. Your love for Danny and Francie had been the death of them. If they hadn't known you, if they hadn't been important to you, they wouldn't have ended up as they did. And your love for Vaughn. Your love for Vaughn was now a deep void inside, threatening to consume your entire soul and leave only darkness.  
  
In fact that's all you were now, darkness. All light and hope had been sucked out of you, leaving only the empty shell sobbing in the corner. The last sliver you had been holding on to, that all this was a dream and you would soon wake up back in your old life with the man you loved by your side, was long gone. This was real and you had to accept it. You knew Vaughn was still there, you could feel his presence, but you had no intention of looking at him, no intention of standing up, no intention of leaving this room. Your life was gone now. You would never see any of your friends or your father again. You would never return to your hometown. All you would do is sit here, in your corner, and cry. 


	2. Vaughn

Huge thanks to everyone who read chapter one, especially to eti207 for reviewing! I'm not sure why fanfiction.net messed up the format and put all the notes in one huge paragraph but I didn't mean for them to be like that. Maybe it's a conspiracy.  
  
Chapter Two.  
  
There will be no consolation prize  
  
This time the bone is broken clean  
  
No baptism, no reprise  
  
And no sweet taste of victory  
  
- Jann Arden 'Unloved'  
  
You have never felt more helpless in your life. She is crouched in the corner, knees drawn up to her chest, crying so desperately you can feel your heart breaking. Two years ago you would have gathered her up in your arms instantly and hugged and kissed and whispered to her until her tears stopped and she would extract herself from your embrace and look at you in that way that made you feel like the richest man on earth simply because you had Sydney Bristow in your arms and she loved you.  
  
Now. Now you have no idea where you fit. You know you're the cause of at least part of her pain, you and that damn wedding ring you didn't think to take off. Not that removal of the offending item would have changed anything but maybe you could have delayed telling her about your situation instead of forcing all this information on her at once. Maybe she would be clinging to you for support right now, seeking your reassurances and comfort to help her cope with everything she just discovered. Instead you only add to her problems and leave her all alone.  
  
She's still crying and your heart is still breaking. You can't stand to see her like this, in so much pain. You know you'd do anything to take it away and make everything all right. You'd give anything to keep her safe. You'd willingly die to spare her this pain but you can't. Nothing you can do will help her now and that kills you inside.  
  
You still love her. That's not even a question. Even after she disappeared, after you accepted her death you still loved her more than anything else in the world and that hasn't changed. A small voice in the back of your mind tries to remind you about a different woman you're supposed to feel that about but you find yourself unable to focus on anything but Sydney.  
  
It is only now you realise you have been crying with her, the tears falling unrestrained down your face. As you reach up to brush them away you notice her retreating further and further into her mind, away from this harsh world full of unfairness and cruelty. But while it is most likely more comfortable for her there you know she cannot stay. At some point she will have to return with you, both to LA and to reality. But for now you'll allow her this time that you know she needs and simply sit on the floor and cry alongside your love. 


	3. Sydney

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, I really do appreciate it! Here's the third chapter, like I said on sd-1 I hope it's not too repetitive but I promise you the next one moves the story on a bit more so don't give up  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Cast your eyes on the ocean  
  
Cast your soul to the sea  
  
When the dark night seems endless  
  
Please remember me  
  
- Loreena McKennitt 'Dante's Prayer'  
  
This was your mothers cell. You wonder if all of this is just one big joke the universe is playing on you and soon everyone will jump out and yell "surprise" and you'll all laugh and everything will be fine again.  
  
You're not entirely sure what happened between the safe house and here. You vaguely recall a far away voice talking to you about going back home, which was a joke in itself as you don't think you even have a home any more, and a journey on an aeroplane with the man who turned from your closest ally to a complete stranger in a matter of seconds. You think he tried to talk to you but you can't be certain. You're sure you didn't answer, too far gone in your own world where harsh reality couldn't hurt you because you were numb to everything.  
  
But now you're here and reality sets in again. You're all alone in this glass cell while they try and work out if you're really who you say you are. You wish you weren't, you wish you were someone else, perhaps a happily married office nobody with 2.4 children and a husband who listened patiently as you complained about how boring your job was then kissed you and reminded you why it was all worth it.  
  
A noise startles you out of your thinking and you see your father enter your cell with a look of amazement, wonder and something else on his face. But you don't stop to try and define it because your daddy is here and you throw yourself in his arms crying and hoping things will now be all right because there's still that little girl inside of you who knows that daddy is the biggest, strongest and most amazing man in the whole world who can do absolutely anything and make everything better.  
  
You stay like that for who knows how long and when you pull apart you realise it's not only your face that's streaked with tears. The stone cold Jack Bristow is crying.  
  
You remember the last time you saw him crying. You were six years old and he had just told you Mommy wasn't coming home again.  
  
For a while you and he just stand there in silence, neither wanting to break the spell that has fallen over you both. Eventually he speaks, you reply and it's like nothing's changed. He asks you about what happened and you tell him you don't know. You ask him about what's happened and unlike your replies he can actually tell you. He tells you about Marshall and Carrie, about Dixon, about Will, even about Kendall. You know he's purposely avoiding the subject of Vaughn, so you ask him outright. After a pause he tells you. He tells you about the drinking and the depression, about when he left the CIA, about when he met Lauren.  
  
You start to think maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe you didn't want to know. Not yet at least, not while the pain is still so raw and your heart so broken. Your father obviously picks up on this and tries to reassure you that it will get better and you'll get over him.  
  
Get over him??  
  
Without him you are nothing. Why can nobody understand that? You love him more than life itself and now you don't have him any more you don't see any point in going on because you've lost the only thing that matters. You can't do this, not again. Having your heart torn out once was bad enough but you can't go through that pain again. And especially not when he's still alive and you know there's someone else who means the world to him when he's everything to you. It was always him, his smile, his voice, his touch. The way he looked at you like you were the most beautiful woman in the world and you couldn't believe that someone as wonderful as him would want to be with you but he did and he gave you so much love you felt you might burst.  
  
But he's not yours any more. And he will never look at you like that again. 


	4. Lauren

Sorry for the long wait, but here's the chapter in which something actually happens. (I hope people are still reading this.) Please review and tell me what you think:  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Four  
  
'Cause I've relied on my illusion  
  
To keep me warm at night  
  
And I've denied in my capacity to love  
  
But I am willing to give up this fight  
  
-Sarah McLachlan 'Dirty Little Secret'  
  
It's over. And as you sit in your darkened living room waiting for your husband to return you realise that maybe you never really had it to begin with. Maybe your marriage was nothing more than comfort and companionship, free from the intense passion you read about in books. You always told yourself those stories were unrealistic and that love wasn't this all- consuming force that encompassed your very soul and made you feel so much for one person that you would gladly give up your own life just to protect them. Not that you're not a romantic, you believe in love, you believe it is strong and powerful and you believe you feel it for your husband and he feels it for you. But you don't know if that's enough.  
  
A key turns in the front door and you look up to see him enter. His face registers surprise at finding you in the dark, and then concern upon flicking the light switch and seeing your red eyes and suitcase. He asks you what's going on and all you can think about is whether he looks at her with the same concern and love that you can see in his eyes as he looks at you.  
  
But you know you cannot be sidetracked. You know you have to do this, and so you tell him. You tell him that you cannot stay and you are going to your sisters while you work some things out. He asks you why and you suddenly feel a wave of anger at him for having the nerve to ask when it's so obvious you sometimes wonder if strangers on the street can see it. Your husband is in love with another woman and you refuse to be second best. It isn't fair of him to do this to you, to stay with you when you are not the one who owns his heart. All he is doing is keeping you in a sub-par marriage out of a misguided sense of duty. You know he is too honourable a man to leave you for another woman so you have to do it for him. You see nothing honourable about staying married to a man who doesn't love you with all his heart, let alone keeping him from his true love. It may be selfish but you want your husband to look at you and see the most important thing in the world to him and you know you will never have that with Michael.  
  
After you have explained your reasons to him he protests as you knew he would. But you can tell he's conflicted and there is a part of him that is overjoyed at your decision, although he would never consciously say or even think that. He tells you that he loves you and you pause, allowing yourself to believe that maybe you made a mistake, maybe he is yours after all, so you stop and look into his eyes and ask him. You ask him if he can honestly tell you that you are the love of his life. It feels like a lifetime before he answers and all your hopes are dashed. Strangely you feel angrier with yourself than him, angry for allowing yourself to hope when you knew what the outcome would be. He looks down and apologises and you pick up your suitcase and walk past him without a word.  
  
As you're walking down the hall you hear him call out your name, asking you to stop, saying that you can work this out. If his plea came from his heart you know you would spin on your heel and run into his arms in a second, but you can tell it's firmly based in duty. You hear the hollowness of his voice and know that he doesn't really want you to come back, he just feels like he should. So you don't stop. You walk out of the house and out of your marriage and out of his life. 


	5. Vaughn

Thanks for reading. Here's chapter five, sorry it's so short but there's still one more to go before the story's done.  
  
I hope you like it:  
  
Chapter Five  
  
And when you look in my eyes  
  
Please know, my heart is in your hands  
  
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms  
  
You have complete power over me  
  
- Jewel 'Near You Always'  
  
A week. It's been a week since you brought Sydney home. A week since your wife walked out on you. A week of worry and anxiety caused by not knowing what was happening. Kendall was still his usual jackass self and refused to let you see Sydney or find out any information about her case. If it wasn't for Weiss you think you might have stormed the building days ago.  
  
You've spent seven days thinking about Sydney. And about half and hour thinking about your wife.  
  
Your sister-in-law arrived three days ago and collected most of Lauren's belongings. She gave you various dirty looks as she did so and slapped you soundly before she left. You don't blame her, not after what you did to her sister.  
  
Briefly you wonder how long it takes to get a divorce in California but don't dwell on the thought as you once again think about Sydney and how she's doing. You know they were suspicious and even though you knew it was her they still insisted on finding out for themselves.  
  
You hate the idea of her being locked up, subjected to painful and degrading tests when she's done nothing wrong. You hope she's doing all right. Her father is with her and Weiss has been to see her too but you wish you could be there for her. You were her shoulder to cry on for two years and now you can't be and that makes you feel so helpless and frustrated.  
  
The phone rings and you jump on it, hoping it's Weiss with another update. It is and as soon as you hear the news you're up and ready to go. As you drive to the safe house where you'll be able to see Sydney for the first time in days you realise you finally understand the answer to the question Cathy Benson asked you when you were children about the choice between a moment with your soul mate versus a lifetime with your partner.  
  
You know now that you would choose a moment with Sydney every time. 


	6. Coming Together

Here it is, the final chapter! I hope you like how it ends because this is it. Thanks to everyone who has read this far, you make my day/week/month/year!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Six  
  
~~~  
  
"All the things you treasure most will be the hardest won  
  
I will watch you struggle long before the answers come  
  
But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on  
  
I'll shine the light that guides you down the road you're walking on" Dar Williams 'The One Who Knows'  
  
~~~  
  
The safe house is non-descript. Lots of grey and white and brown. She thinks it rather fitting as she still hasn't completely reconciled recent events in her mind and it feels like her entire life is grey and white and brown. Like an old movie where nothing seems real and all she can do is watch as it hurries past, leaving her standing alone and confused in it's wake.  
  
She doesn't know how long she was there before the knock at the door came, a rather haggard looking Michael Vaughn on the other side. Pushing aside her first reaction of joyfulness at seeing him she remembers their circumstances and allows the confusion to grow in her mind. He hadn't come to see her all the time she was in CIA custody and so she just assumed he wanted to be with his wife and had no further desire to have anything at all to do with her. Yet here he is, standing in the doorway, not saying anything and not moving. Of course that may be because she is still standing in his way, blocking entrance into the house and staring at him stupidly.  
  
He is the one to break the stand off, asking to come in. She dumbly moves out of his way and they both end up in the living room, staring at each other once again. They know they are able to speak freely, that this particular safe house doesn't have any prying CIA agents eavesdropping from behind the walls, but that particular knowledge doesn't seem to be of any help to their conversation at this point.  
  
"You shouldn't be here."  
  
"I had to see you, I needed to know you were okay."  
  
"Why? I'm not a part of your life any more. You don't need to worry about me."  
  
"Sydney." His face registers hurt as she takes another step away from him, increasing both the physical and emotion distance between them. "You're still important to me, you always will be."  
  
"Well, as you can see I'm fine. Thanks for stopping by Agent Vaughn. You can leave now."  
  
"Sydney please, don't shut me out. I want to help you."  
  
"Well I don't. I want you to go, go back to your wife and your comfortable house and your nice normal life."  
  
"Actually I still live in an apartment."  
  
There is a pause before he continues and he wondered at the absurdity of picking that part of her sentence to focus on first.  
  
"And my wife left me."  
  
She felt the selfish hope rise within her, before the logical part of her brain quashed it back down.  
  
"Then shouldn't you be there trying to get her back instead of here with me."  
  
"No. She's not the one I want."  
  
Something inside her snapped at his comment and her eyes flickered briefly with hurt and anger.  
  
"Oh, so you're going to move on just like that! It's taken you a week to come back to me; how long did it take you to move from me to her the first time? A month? Ten days? Did you even wait until after my funeral before you asked her to marry you?"  
  
"That's not fair and you know it."  
  
"No, what I know is that I disappeared and you couldn't even wait two years for me."  
  
"I thought you were dead, I had to move on. How long did you wait after Danny died before you jumped into bed with me?"  
  
He stops himself, appalled at what he just said and prepares for the onslaught of anger that he knows he deserves. But it never comes.  
  
"Syd, I'm sorry. That was low and I shouldn't have said that. I."  
  
"No." Her voice is small and she almost falls down while lowering herself into the nearest seat. "You're right. I moved on, you had every right to do the same. I can't be angry with you for that."  
  
"Still, I shouldn't have."  
  
"You should go. Stay as far away from me as possible. All I do is ruin people's lives. If you leave now maybe you and your wife can make up, forget about me and have the safe and normal lives you deserve."  
  
He sighed deeply, desperate to get through to her, to make her listen.  
  
"It doesn't work like that. She left me because she saw the truth about me and about our marriage. Nothing can change that."  
  
"Don't you want to even try? You're going to throw your marriage away, just like that? Were you lying when you promised to stand by her through the good times and the bad, forsaking all others?"  
  
"No, but."  
  
"Do you even believe in the sanctity of marriage vows?"  
  
"Of course, but some things are more important."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like truth. And the truth is I love you. Staying married to Lauren when I love someone else would not only be dishonest, it would be dishonourable. So to answer your question, yes I do believe in the sanctity of marriage vows and I won't defile them by making mine a lie"  
  
He paused, waiting for a reply, but when none was forthcoming he continued.  
  
"What to do you want to hear? Yes, it would be easier for me to go back to Lauren, I could go on to have a normal life with my normal wife and our two point four kids playing outside in the garden by the white picket fence. But just because something is easy or normal doesn't make it right. We are right, you and I, and while it's not the easy option it is something worth fighting for. Don't you believe that?"  
  
"You can't just throw everything away because I've come back. What about all you've done? What about the life you built up since I left?"  
  
"What about 'to thine own self be true'?"  
  
"Oh so now you're quoting Shakespeare at me. Am I supposed to be impressed?"  
  
"I'm not trying to impress you, I'm trying to make you understand that I can't live without you."  
  
"Seems to me you've been doing fine without me."  
  
And this was the point where he finally snapped.  
  
"No! No I haven't. You weren't there, you didn't see me, you don't know what it's been like these past two years. I wasn't living, I was." He paused, collecting his thoughts. "Did you ever feel like you were forcing yourself to get through each day when all you wanted to do was collapse under the crushing weight of all the pain and unfairness of life?"  
  
"Sounds like a pretty good description of how I'm feeling right now actually."  
  
"Please Sydney, you have to understand, I wasn't myself. I lost everything when I lost you and the first time I felt even the slightest shred of hope that I might be okay was when I found out you were alive."  
  
"So, what are you saying? You never had any intention of being happy with Lauren? You planned to go through your marriage a miserable shell of a man? I don't believe you. The Michael Vaughn I knew would never do that."  
  
"That's exactly my point! The Michael Vaughn you knew died that night two years ago. When I married Lauren I was settling. I thought that maybe we might be able to have a good life together sometime in the future. It was selfish and stupid and completely unfair to her and she knows that now, we both know that now. I can only hope that some time in the future she forgives me for what I did, just like I can only hope you forgive me."  
  
"For what? Getting married, or for getting married for the wrong reasons?"  
  
"Both, I guess. And for not telling you I loved you two years ago. But I'm going to say it now. I love you Sydney. You are not only the most important thing in my life, you are my life. Please don't send me away."  
  
Tears were now rolling down both their cheeks and Sydney felt herself being torn in two.  
  
"Vaughn, I.I want to believe you but I don't see how I can. When I found out I lost you I felt like someone had torn the air from my lungs and I was slowly suffocating. I can't do that again, I can't let you in if all you're going to do is hurt me."  
  
"I never wanted to hurt you and I promise I will do my best to make sure nothing ever hurts you again."  
  
"You don't have the power to promise that."  
  
"Maybe not, but I can promise that I will be there for you. That you won't have to go through it alone."  
  
"Where were you this past week?" Her voice was small he almost didn't hear the question. He closed his eyes in pain before answering, once again feeling terrible that he hadn't been able to be there for her.  
  
"Kendall wouldn't let me see you. I'm sorry Syd, I tried, I really did. He was just being an ass as usual."  
  
That elicited a small smile from her.  
  
"He is an ass, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"He wants me to go in for regression therapy."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I want to wake up and find this has all been some kind of horrible nightmare."  
  
"Well, what's your second choice?"  
  
"I." She paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I want to know. Someone or something has stolen two years of my life from me and I want to know what happened. I need to."  
  
"Okay then."  
  
"Will you go in with me?"  
  
"Of course, if that's what you want, I said I wasn't going to leave you and I meant it."  
  
"What about Kendall?"  
  
"Screw Kendall." They both smiled at that. "Seriously Syd, I won't let him keep me away again. I'll find a way to be there for you."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Anything for you Sydney."  
  
He looked at her with such a heartbreaking expression of sincerity and love that any remaining doubts she may have had were crushed instantly and she threw herself into his arms, relishing the feeling of being home again after so much confusion and pain.  
  
"Vaughn?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I love you too. So much."  
  
He smiled and held her tighter. He couldn't say what would happen tomorrow or the next day but he did know that at that moment, holding Sydney Bristow in his arms, all was right with the world.  
  
~~~  
  
"I guess all I really mean  
  
Is we're gonna be all right  
  
Yeah we're gonna be all right  
  
You can close your eyes tonight  
  
'Cause we're gonna be all right"  
  
-Over the Rhine 'Etcetera Whatever'  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The End.  
  
(If you've managed to read this far please review and tell me what you think. Thanks.) 


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